End of a rubbish week

Sometimes, things are a bit shit. Often, they’re barely noticeable in amongst the nice things, or just the things that are not noticeably marvellous or pants, and quite a lot of life is like that. Other times, something sparks off a chain of rubbish things, and after a bit we lose our ability to spot the normal, nice stuff, because the shitty things have taken over.

I say ‘we,’ but of course this is just my experience. Your mileage may vary. I hope it does.

So, if you’re reading this and you are one of the people that has waved pom poms for me, been kind enough to pretend you didn’t notice I was crying, gave me a bed, made me hot water and sent cheering messages – thank you. Really, thank you. I would have been in more bits without you.

But, (and you knew there was an imminent ‘but,’ right?) this horribleness makes me lonely, and stubborn. Why? Well, I called one of my oldest friends last year when something bad had happened & I desperately needed company, and they were too busy. Two weeks ago I sent a text asking for a chat about something to a friend who said ‘how about in four days’ time?’ So I find it incredibly hard to ask for direct help any more, because the only thing harder than asking for it is being turned down and made to feel worse in a horrible corner.

This week some stuff happened at work that had me in tears for most of Friday. In a workplace where people don’t really know me, and maybe only know that I go to church, being the bad person -even if I can justify it, even if my frustration was natural – doesn’t exactly help with the salt & light. And having a piece of writing rejected hurt a lot, because writing is something I am hoping to do more of. And an email conversation just stopping, in a puzzling way that makes me assume I have offended. Plus the tax bill. Other, better Christians get tax refunds (it seems) when they need cash. I fork over £150 for an event that is a gamble on my Christianity and I lose both the potential writing income and I get £120 tax bill. Is Him Upstairs trying to tell me something? Thursday had its awfulness in the deadlines I was working too, and the lack of non-mouldy bread. And chuck in PhD stress as well, it all gets a bit pants, to be honest. Shining a massive spotlight on everything else (how tired I am, how lonely I feel, how confused I am, how much of a failure I feel). So lonely and feeling uncared-for that the landline ringing & then being an autocall made me cry buckets again…

See today’s race post for just how evil my inner critic can be.


  1. Ring me, text me, email me, message me on FB (Hazel Edmunds) but do NOT feel lonely or unloved.
    You ARE loved.

  2. Ohhhh…..Waaah….Hate that you’ve had such a rubbish week, know EXACTLY what you mean re the shitty stuff piling up so that the normal nice stuff is no longer visible but most of all need you to know that you are in no way a failure & that you are much loved. Hugs

  3. Yeah, my kids used to have a “wobble man” toy that always righted itself when you gave it a biff, unless you hit it too hard and too often. Then someone would have to give it a hand, and if no-one was around it stayed down. There are weeks when I feel like the wobble man.
    When that happens I sit, take a leaf from the ground, and focus on it as though to burn it into my memory: every line, shade, detail, and marvel at the detail of our created world.
    Nothing has changed during this time of “leaf-staring”, but my brain cells are realigned and I am calmed and renewed.
    Hey, strangers are praying for you! Take heart!

  4. I second Hazel, text or call and rant, so know the loneliness bit when everybody else is happy and sorted :-S You’re not on your own. Definitely not. Here’s hoping for a better week this week (and remember the PhD is a finite venture not infinitely making you tired and doubtful)

  5. For some reason my phone post didn’t post here, so here again: I second Hazel’s comment – you’re not on your own, you are loved – text/call me, have a rant, I so get the loneliness, and the PhD business, but remember, that PhD is not going on forever so you won’t be stressed out, tired out, sick of it forever.

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