Sometimes, things are a bit shit. Often, they’re barely noticeable in amongst the nice things, or just the things that are not noticeably marvellous or pants, and quite a lot of life is like that. Other times, something sparks off a chain of rubbish things, and after a bit we lose our ability to spot the normal, nice stuff, because the shitty things have taken over.
I say ‘we,’ but of course this is just my experience. Your mileage may vary. I hope it does.
So, if you’re reading this and you are one of the people that has waved pom poms for me, been kind enough to pretend you didn’t notice I was crying, gave me a bed, made me hot water and sent cheering messages – thank you. Really, thank you. I would have been in more bits without you.
But, (and you knew there was an imminent ‘but,’ right?) this horribleness makes me lonely, and stubborn. Why? Well, I called one of my oldest friends last year when something bad had happened & I desperately needed company, and they were too busy. Two weeks ago I sent a text asking for a chat about something to a friend who said ‘how about in four days’ time?’ So I find it incredibly hard to ask for direct help any more, because the only thing harder than asking for it is being turned down and made to feel worse in a horrible corner.
This week some stuff happened at work that had me in tears for most of Friday. In a workplace where people don’t really know me, and maybe only know that I go to church, being the bad person -even if I can justify it, even if my frustration was natural – doesn’t exactly help with the salt & light. And having a piece of writing rejected hurt a lot, because writing is something I am hoping to do more of. And an email conversation just stopping, in a puzzling way that makes me assume I have offended. Plus the tax bill. Other, better Christians get tax refunds (it seems) when they need cash. I fork over £150 for an event that is a gamble on my Christianity and I lose both the potential writing income and I get £120 tax bill. Is Him Upstairs trying to tell me something? Thursday had its awfulness in the deadlines I was working too, and the lack of non-mouldy bread. And chuck in PhD stress as well, it all gets a bit pants, to be honest. Shining a massive spotlight on everything else (how tired I am, how lonely I feel, how confused I am, how much of a failure I feel). So lonely and feeling uncared-for that the landline ringing & then being an autocall made me cry buckets again…
See today’s race post for just how evil my inner critic can be.