To a certain extent I have self-censored in that I have not posted much about my frustrations lately. I have been very challenged by trying to understand why a close family member is burdened with a chronic illness when others get better – at the hands of physicians or God. I have felt very isolated as a single woman in a church focused on families. [As an aside: I am frequently told that of course the single people in church are valued and of course we understand your difficulties … if that’s the case why does the bi-monthly prayer request leaflet regularly feature family concerns but not concerns of the single folk? Just a thought.]
I have not understood why I find it so hard to trust God. I have, in several instances, decided that I know better than the Bible. In sum, I have seen faith as something other people are good at, and that God is a God of other people – and all those promises don’t seem to be holding true for me or my family.
In a fairly unconventional way, I had a gauntlet thrown down at me last week. Better to find out sooner rather than later if this is all a con, I was told. Go ahead, surrender, commit your whole life to God – and if nothing changes, you can walk away in the satisfaction you were right rather than suffering agonies about whether this faith is real, but from the sidelines.
That worked for me; much better than any vapid repeating of sticking plaster platitudes could have done (not that that would be the gauntlet chucker’s style).